home

We bought a house today, mom. I should be happy but all I feel is sad-realizing that you will never see it, never come to stay in it, never come to help me fix it up like you have done with all my other houses. To me, it is just one more thing that reminds me of the loss-of what will never be again. I miss you more than I can say. I miss your input into my life. I miss you being excited with me over things-like a house. I miss your voice and you are not even gone yet.

Dreams

Dear Mom:

I dreamed of you last night-again. In my dreams you are always still sick, but still able to interract with us all. We were all together as a family, in the basement and it was Christmas. I think that time frame and room captures so many beautiful memories of which I never want to let go. In my dream, we were all writing down our Christmas memories on paper snowflakes. The kids were little again-Jeff was there-we were all happy and laughing. You worked so hard to bring about those memories and cement them in place-the cement that keeps our family strong, even though you are not any longer. Thank you for all the years you invested in us-for the beautiful tapestry you helped create that is now our family. Kind of wish I did not have to wake up.

Dear Mom 1

Dear Mom- Prayed for you and cried for you as I walked this morning. Tears of sorrow over missing you and tears of joy and hope that someday you are going to be whole again-free of this nasty disease, and safe in Jesus' arms-dancing, talking, playing Chopin (as if you'll care) or whatever we will be doing in heaven-but you will be doing it with all your might. Jesus ministered to me this morning so much through Switchfoot-a band you would not like-too raucus. However, their lyrics touch my soul. Here are just a few of them that broke me down: " I am the raindrop falling down, always looking for deeper ground. " So good. Reminded me of my thirst for God this morning and how it is unquenchable. Here is another one: "Feels like I travel but I never arrive, I want to thrive, not just survive." Expresses so deeply what I am feeling at this stage in my life. "So I close my eyes and go back in time, I can see you smiling-you're so alive." This one makes me just long for the days when you would even smile-or laugh-or say "Cindy Kay" or anything at all. I miss interracting with you. Just wanted you to know that today. Love you!

Mom, where are you?

Over 3 years since your official diagnosis of Alzheimer's, mom. There have been many plateaus but recently a steep, sudden drop off and like Elise said "mom has gone over a cliff and is on a ledge somewhere." Where are you, mom? Are you still in there? Is any of YOU left? These are the questions I wrestle with every day and sob over until I am so weary. Can I reach you still? I have to try. I can't give up. I have to believe that some part of you in there still recognizes some of me. So, until you go to be with Jesus where you are once more whole, in body and mind, I will reach into you-as deep and far as I can-and try to reach whatever is left. "Though I am a wineskin in the smoke, I will not forget Your word." That is my prayer for you, mom, that even though your mind is shriveling, like a wineskin in the smoke, that God would recall His word to your mind, every day. I know His Holy Spirit has not withdrawn from you. I can't figure out how that all works but I know that He has said "I will never leave you or forsake you...." even in Alzheimer's.

Gifts

I was focusing on moving once again this morning-mourning it in my heart-this giving up of living in Austin-death of a vision. I decided I needed to focus on God's attributes and the next one was "good". Talking about God's good gifts got me thinking of all the good ones He provided here in Austin. I realized I have been thinking that by moving, I am having to give up those gifts when in reality-they are mine to keep forever. God does not retract His gifts. For example: one gift was the provision for my girls-ballet, piano, choir, etc...the "gift" was not the class or teachers or lessons but what it accomplished in my girls' lives-and they will have that forever-it is part of who they are. Another gift would be our church/ministries-Awana, Mission Possible, etc...I look at all that has done for my girls' walks with God and my own walk and I see that is something that is eternal-the investment of people into our lives and our investment into theirs is something that will last for eternity. I do not have to give that up. The gift of living in this neighborhood where I have so many sweet memories of spending family time, time with the girls, homeschooling them, swimming, hiking the trails, swim team, etc....it is what has made us who we are as a family and who they are as people-that will not end. They will not stop being those people when we move. We will not lose our memories-we will just not be able to make any new ones here. This is profound. I have been thinking of leaving in terms of loss instead of in terms of what we are taking with us from this place and this time in our lives: a boatload of memories, character, experiences that have made us who we are and will continue to have effect long into the future. Wow. What a shift. If God did that here-He can do it anywhere. It isn't about your surroundings but rather what you choose to make out of them. A city does not make a person-a person lets God shape them, using the tools at hand-God can use anyone, anything, any place to shape and to mold. Please use San Angelo to do just this, God.

Passing

I have entered a new phase in life: the phase of adult children (at least one adult child). It is the passing of a torch, complete with celebrations and mournings-a new era complete with new rules. Rachel has graduated from high school, has been 18 for 6 months and is in the midst of her first full-time job. However much I want to hold her down and hold her to me, I must release her to fly out into this big world and make mistakes all her own and experience successes all her own (of course God is always in all things). It is an exhilirating and exhausting time, this letting go. Memories float through my mind at the most random times, reminding me of this precious little girl I had for 18 years. Then new hopes surge past at what an incredible woman she is becoming and how exciting it is going to be to walk with her through the rest of her life-albeit from more of a distance. There really are no words to express all the feelings-you just have to be a parent and have your child graduate or leave for college or join the army or some other rite of passage. It both stinks and smells so sweet.

Precious Things

Oftentimes as a homeschooler I think of all the things I could have done differently or maybe just all the things I could have done and didn't. Then God reminds me that the value does not lie in quantity but in quality and He reminds me of the precious things: baking bread for the firemen in our neighborhood, the girls pictures to children in Afghanistan, our Gospel of John party, reaching out to the homeless around town and Church Under the Bridge, ministering at Mission Possible on Fridays and all the precious children we are now friends with, reaching out to hurting friends and brainstorming ways to love them, all our time spent at Awana, playing the piano at Cedar Ridge Alzheimer's center and our precious friends there, Urban Submersion and the way it changed our lives-these are not big things in most people's eyes but they are the precious things in God's eyes because they are about needy people and His love for them. Help me remember God to always give my life for the things that are on Your heart.