Precious Things

Oftentimes as a homeschooler I think of all the things I could have done differently or maybe just all the things I could have done and didn't. Then God reminds me that the value does not lie in quantity but in quality and He reminds me of the precious things: baking bread for the firemen in our neighborhood, the girls pictures to children in Afghanistan, our Gospel of John party, reaching out to the homeless around town and Church Under the Bridge, ministering at Mission Possible on Fridays and all the precious children we are now friends with, reaching out to hurting friends and brainstorming ways to love them, all our time spent at Awana, playing the piano at Cedar Ridge Alzheimer's center and our precious friends there, Urban Submersion and the way it changed our lives-these are not big things in most people's eyes but they are the precious things in God's eyes because they are about needy people and His love for them. Help me remember God to always give my life for the things that are on Your heart.

Grateful

I have finally come to the realization that there are people out there who can keep up their house, yard, what have you-make it look not only immaculate but decorative and modern. Some of them do it on a budget, with hardly any money at all. I have also come to the realization that I am not one of those people. My backyard looks like a mini dump and no matter how hard I try to fix up my house, I just don't have "the touch". I go into other people's houses and envy their ability to keep it together so nicely. Now, mind you, my house is lovely and I love everything in it and even the way it is put together-but it does not have that polished look. It has fraying around the edges, junk in the closets that sometimes spills out into rooms, books and papers lying around at any given time and usually, unless my husband has gotten to it, dishes in the sink. God is showing me lately that I am on a quest for a perfect house-perfectly clean, perfectly decorated, perfectly organized-no mildew in my grout! But alas, this is the WRONG quest. My quest needs to be for Him, for righteousness, for my family and investing in them. Part of that brings messyness. People are messy and investing in them heavily is even more messy. I look around my house and am so grateful for the time God has given me and the opportunity to invest in my kids-their education, their spiritual growth, their lives. I can clean and organize the house when they are gone and it is coming all too soon. For now, I just want to hang out with them, with Eric, and ignore the dust in the corners.

Chell

I walked into your room last night and could barely contain myself. I looked at the collage of you and Clover and burst into tears in my heart. They had to wait until we were finished praying to stream from my eyes. I can't believe you are leaving us at the end of this year. I ask myself every day where 18 years has gone and then I remember: toting you around as a baby with me everywhere, your incessant questions ever in my ears. Filming you playing dress up and dancing ("I dancin'")-watching you for hours as you entertained your baby sister, pouring the foundation that has cemented your relationship over the years-teaching you everything, from reading to history to math to cooking to sewing to making your bed and what spices to use in what dishes ("Rachel, this is your tip for the day.....")-the spices were very important! Watching you with your first real pet-Clover-seeing you take such good care of her over the years and seeing your heart of love for her-you on the court playing Upward Basketball-dancing ballet and me taking you every week and then you driving yourself-getting to know Burnet road like the back of my hand. Watching your grace coupled with discipline and your passion for the art of ballet. Reading your newspapers that you wrote to me on a regular basis for a while, hearing your heart and having the honor of you asking me the tough questions-ones which I often did not have answers to. You making me spa baths, cleaning up the house and decorating your room with style. Getting to go with you and the team to Summit and all our crazy memories of that trip that I will never forget-hiking with you in the mountains of Colorado, hanging at the cabin-you on the swing, carefree and full of life. Our talks in the car together over the thousands of miles we logged over the years-reading aloud together and crying and dissecting books and analyzing. Praying every night in your room and late night talks. Saturday morning pancakes, going to the hill with Clover, to the pool on Wednesdays, to Mission Possible on Fridays-all our field trips, family vacations, Colorado treks. All the years we spent in Awana together and all the verses that are in your heart. Trying to find shoes at the mall, or a dress for prom, or whatever it was we were looking for on any given day. How can I possibly post 18 years worth of memories that burst into my mind at random moments and painfully remind me that I am losing you this year? Not exactly losing you-just shifting what has been our family into a new shape. I am so grateful to God for the gift that you are in my life, for the times we have shared, for homeschooling that has bought me so much more time with you, for the relationship we have and for the future which I know if going to be so sweet because of Him. Thank you for making my life richer by being in it-thank you for all the times you were honest with me, rebuking me, encouraging me to do what is right, listening to me rant and rave and accepting me-always seeing the best. I will miss your dailyness in my life, Chell.

The Long Line

Went to Church Under the Bridge on Sunday. As I stood there looking out at the long line of homeless friends waiting for their coffee, my eyes brimmed with tears. Each one was a line in a page of a history book-each line of their face etched by years of miseries, or happiness, sorrows or joys. Each had a life they had lived and they looked worn out by it. Tired-exhausted. I wanted to scoop each one up and just be able to grant them rest. Get them out of the long line of life and start them on another path, but I couldn't. So I just talked with them, prayed with some, tried not to cry, tried to hear their stories, however garbled and nonsensical some were. That was all I could do-give them a brief lifeline of friendship.

Life in Random

Random thoughts on this September day, 2009. Maybe when I grow up, I will have a fancy blogspot with 100 followers who get on every other day just to see what I have to say ( I have a friend like this). Then again, maybe I will just live in obscurity, not fame, and one by one impact those around me. That sounds much more appealing. Less temptation to pride. I have been concerned lately about many things: one is young people's obsession with music-Christian, non-Christian-mostly non-Christian. Think of all the space you have filled in your mind with schmaltzy lyrics that could be filled with the Word of God. How many of these professing Christian young people take time to memorize God's word? And hey, with all the money spent on music and the hours that the ipod is plugged into your head-what could you actually be doing for the Lord to impact the world for His kingdom? Sorry-just a few thoughts. If you see entertainment out of control in my life, please tell me. We are such a distracted people-such a pampered bunch, such consumers. When are we going to learn to give until it really hurts? I am preaching to myself here as well. What can I give up for someone else today? time, money, resources, my rights? We all need a large dose of unselfish living. What are we willing to give up to get closer to God? Jesus gave His time, His home (He had none), eating (40 days of fasting), sleep (many sleepless nights), His reputation, His mental energy (teaching constantly) and eventually His life. What did He not give up? What did He keep for Himself and why do we grab so recklessly when all He did was give? Just something to think about.

Bittersweet

We have just returned from what might be our last family vacation before Rachel goes off to college next summer. She is going through her closet, cleaning things out and I realize that next year this time we will be packing all her childhood memories off in boxes and she will be leaving. I am not ready for this. Is one ever ready for this? Is it even possible to get ready for your heart tearing in two? I see so much evidence this year of God preparing her. I have to trust His plan, His timing, His preparation of her. Mine is coming to an end. I peruse all our homeschool books on the shelf and a pain stabs my heart. Most of my reading days with her are over. No more snuggle time or living adventures through books together- I may be able to sneak in one more book this summer. I will miss it and so many more things so much. God will have to do a work in my heart as well-to prepare it to let go.

Phases

There are always plusses and minuses in any new phase of life. I am stuck right now in the minus zone. Rachel has one year left at home-one year left for me to homeschool her, although I will not even be doing much of that next year as she will be taking most of her classes elsewhere. Christina wants to skip a year and start high school. Why do they want to grow up so quickly? There are so many things that I miss about the younger years-the things they played, the time we spent reading, outings we used to go on, not being so busy and so bound by activities-the thing I miss the most, however, is knowing that I had a lot of time still left. I don't have that any more with Rachel. We are down to the wire and I don't like the wire.
I must force myself to look the way of the plusses. The fact that I can have amazing and deep conversations with my girls. Seeing them coming into their own-becoming their own people, with independent ideas and goals. Seeing them fail, and pick themselves up, seeing them learn to love and obey God more and more each day. Knowing that we have had so many memories together that will last a lifetime and that I have no regrets about putting them in school and losing all these years. Still, my thoughts wander back-taking them to Awana when they were younger, going on little road trips-the two of them riding in the backseat together and playing/singing, coloring together while I read to them, putting on plays on the weekend and playing dolls for hours. I know they have to grow up-it is just so hard. I love where they are now, I just don't want them to leave-and yet I do, because I know they have to become their own people with their own lives and that is one of my goals as a parent: to get them to the point of leaving and doing it successfully. It won't be without pain.