Hope

"And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Notice what this verse does NOT say: hope does not disappoint because everything in this life will work out the way we think it should or desperately want it to. Our hope is not anchored on what might be, or what should have been or what could have been had we not screwed it up but only what IS: God's love poured out graciously and abundantly in our hearts. And that is enough. His love. It's enough. I don't need for all of my messy relationships to end up neat and tidy. His love is enough. I don't need to be understood or to understand every misunderstanding. His love is enough. I don't need for people to like me, pursue me, think of me at all. His love is enough. I don't need to right all my wrongs, or even wish God would. His love is enough. That is the anchor of my hope. When I embrace this, I can let go of all the hurts, the anger, the wrongs, the misunderstandings, the assumptions, the regrets, the wishes, the "what ifs", the sadness, the pain....and I can embrace Him, and finally, others. Even the ones who have wounded me most deeply-especially those. If God's love is in my heart and I am to "keep myself in the love of God" and God can "direct our hearts" to His love, and "nothing can separate us from the love of God", then whatever it takes, I am ABLE, through God's power, to love even the betrayer, the wounder, realizing that I, too, am one. I am able to love completely, without reserve, without need for approval from man, without being understood or recognized. I am able to be wounded, and my hope remain intact. I am able to walk through life with much untidyness, being at peace with all men "as far as it depends on me", but at the same time realizing that it may well NOT depend on me and I may NOT always be at peace with all men-even believers, especially believers. And that is ok. I still have hope. God's love does not change and hope does NOT disappoint. I have always thought as a believer, that any uncleared relationships were sinful. At Hope we always had to have all relationships cleared up before we could take the Lord's supper. Well, what if the other person does not want to clear it up? What if they run from you? What if they hide for years? What if God's love, through you, can't get through to them? What if they are on their own path that only God knows and for a time, there won't be peace? Maybe even until heaven? What if THAT happens? It has now happened to me so many times that I am questioning the biblical wisdom of "you should always be at peace and reconciled with your brothers/sisters in Christ." What if you can't be? If that was true, there would be no need for the Romans verse "as far as it depends on you." We are only responsible for OUR part. I can't make someone else be reconciled to me. I can love them to the death. And they can still reject me and rebuff my love. That is THEIR part. This is such a freeing and astounding truth to me. I am free to love and free to walk away, and hope does not disappoint. I can't force people to want to be reconciled. That is the work of the Holy Spirit in their heart. All I can do is do my part and continue to love, even at a distance-if only through prayer. So....for all of you untidy packages in my life, I love you. I really do. I would be your friend this instant if you wanted it. Until that day, even if it is not until we stand before Christ, I will pray for you, and hope in God's love to reach you and speak to your hearts. And no matter the outcome, I won't be diappointed. It's a promise from God.

Nails

My favorite day of the year. The MHMR of the Concho Valley Spring Festival. The day where I get to meet new friends and observe some very special and amazing people-the mentally handicapped. Times have changed so that term is not even PC anymore but to me, they are just people whose minds work in a different way than mine-and I find that totally refreshing. This year Christina and I got the nail painting booth. Best booth of all. As I sat down, I noticed there were rubber gloves at our station. Thinking about painting nails all day and having no idea what types of nails I would come in contact with, I donned the gloves. My first "customer" came. I painted her nails while we chatted. After she left, I looked at my hands, the gloves, the people walking by and it hit me (or God convicted me) that I needed to dispose of the latex barrier-I needed to touch them: every one of them. The gloves came off. As I took each hand in mine that day, I carefully observed the nails: most were yellow, scraggly, half-eaten, completely chewed, split,dirty,

unhealthy nails. Nails were not a priority in their lives. As I carefully took each finger and painted it, I realized what an intimate thing it was-holding their hand in mine-making their nails beautiful-talking to them-making them laugh-listening to their stories-learning about their lives. Each one chose a different color: "red is my favorite color", "I like pink", some just pointed. Each choice unique, like their hearts. Thank you, God, for letting me have a glimpse into their lives through painting their nails.

FREEDOM

What does freedom conjur up in your mind? The ability to do whatever you want? Being released from bondage? Being under the control of no one? Spiritually speaking, we are all under the control of someone: either God or Satan. It is that simple. Spiritual freedom means being released from Satan's control via our flesh and being freed to be a child of God-"for you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out 'Abba, Father.'" We are free to be God's children-it is not a law, it is a relationship! The spirit of slavery is the law and our complete inability to keep it. "For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death." "For what the law could not do....God did!" The law could not save us, so God did, by sending Jesus. The law could not bring us freedom, so Christ did on the cross. We are freed from our inability to keep the requirements of the law-we now have the Spirit of God indwelling our very being, enabling us to keep the law. But now it is not an act of compulsion or fear but an act of divine love of the One who indwells us and indeed, gives us our very life. James calls it the law of liberty. How can a law be liberating? Isn't the law to restrain us? Hold us back? Deny us things? What exactly is God's law? "The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul." "Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ" Gal. 6:2 "Therefore whatever you want others to do for you, do so for the, for this is the Law and the Prophets." Matt. 7:12 "And He said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment. And a second is like it, 'you shall love your neighbor as yourself.' on these tow commandments depend the whole Law and the Prohpets." Matt. 22: 37-40 Wow. Love God and love people-do to others what you would want them to do to you. Bear each other's burdens. Have you ever done that? Has anyone ever done that for you? That, my friend, is true FREEDOM. There is nothing like being filled with God's love to the point that it spills over onto your fellow man-your undeserving enemy, your dearest friend. There is no freedom like the freedom from having to sin-the freedom of the soul to bask in God's forgiveness and be rid of all guilt. It is a small slice of heaven and you simply cannot explain to someone what it is like. They just have to experience it for themselves. Freedom from being bound to a law we can never possibly keep, freedom from the condemnation that comes therein-"There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8. Freedom from the punishment that goes along with said condemnation. Jesus took it for us-He bought our freedom. Now we are free to love from a pure heart, free to fear no man, free to forgive our enemies and not be held captive by their hatred, free to love the unlovely, knowing full well that God's love is always enough. Free to do what is good and right-not under compulsion, but out of love for our Redeemer. And we are free to love freely, with no concern for our own welfare or repayment, "For you were called to freedom.......through love, serve one another." Now that is freedom.

Today

I know that 5 years from now, there will probably be an entire neighborhood behind my back fence. But for today, I am going to enjoy the beauty of the trees and field with the sunrise bursting through. I am going to sit on my patio and soak in the view-today. I know that Rachel will probably be married soon and move away for good and I will see her less and less but for today, I am going to be my mom and wave at her as she drives away to school. I am going to relish the smell of her perfume wafting through the house, reminding me of her presence here-today. My mother-in-law is moving in and I have no idea what all that will hold but for today, I am going to enjoy the freedoms I have, Christina asleep in her bed, spending time with her and with Eric and not worry about the rest-today. "Each day has enough troubles of its own." I am going to focus on today's troubles and tackle them one at a time and not worry about all the "what if's", for they may never come. I will enjoy what this day brings-what God sees fit to allow in and be grateful for all He keeps out that I will not know until eternity. Today.

Jesus all by Himself, part 2

We are on such power trips in our culture, and in the world. We rely on our military power, our freedoms, securities. Our heroes are powerhouses-soldiers, great sportsmen, politicians, musicians-all people with power and influence. Jesus had ultimate power and influence. What, exactly did He do with it? He set it aside. He counted it as nothing. He submitted Himself to suffering. Now that has my attention.

"Good Friday reminds us that we are not going to be helped by power, only by God's laying aside his power for love of us. Power forces us to change' only love can move us to change. Power affects behavior' love affects the heart. and nothing on earth so moves the heart as suffering love." Brennan Manning

We get so caught up in legislating morality-trying to change people by force. You can change behavior this way, but never the heart. The heart is what Jesus is all about. Suffering love-such a lovely but lost art. When is the last time you experienced someone give up their rights for you? Even let you in front of them in line? Held a door open for you? Better yet, when have you, or I, done this for someone else? Such small acts. Jesus gave his whole life-the living part and the dying part-for us. Suffering love. What am I willing to suffer so that people can know Him?

In our country, we are all about freedom, capitalism, free enterprise. Brennan Manning calls it the trinitarian god of consumerism, hedonism and nationalism. We worship these things, but these things are not what God values. We are greedy consumers-we must face it. The human heart is insatiable. What am I willing to give up? Even my freedom? No one can take my freedom in Christ. It is all I need. Why do we fight so hard for our freedoms that can be taken away? Why don't we fight for the one that can't? Freedom from sin. Why are we so caught up in politics and the economy? As if these things have ever saved us or ever could. "There is nothing new under the sun." Don't waste your breath-spend yourself for what really counts.

Albert Camus has said: "The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very act of existence is an act of rebellion." There is nothing more maddening to the world than a free man or woman in Christ Jesus. (Brennan Manning). Wow. Think on that. Why are believers maddening? Because they are freed from the constraints that so bind the world: quest for money, power, position, freedom, rights. We can gladly give all these things up and STILL win. That must be maddening. Oh, that all would experience that level of freedom.

On Discipleship: "How did you respond to needy brothers and sisters? This is the reliable measure of discipleship." This was preached in our church this week. This is one of the reasons I love our church-they preach the word, truth, God's opinions-not man's. How do we respond to need? To the hurting? To the lost? To the messy? To the ones that make us uncomfortable?
"The heart of discipleship lies in commitment and worship, not reflection and theory." (Brennan) We are all about learning, studying, analyzing. But what do we do with it? Does it change the way we live? Our day to day actions? Our worship and knowledge of God?

"When a disciple lives his or her life wholly for God, walking hand in hand with Jesus for whom God is everything, the limitless power of the Holy Spirit is unleashed. God breaks through, miracles occur, the world is renewed, and history is changed."(Brennan) Then he goes on to say something that will ruffle the feathers of all who consider themselves American. Abortion and Nuclear Weapons are two sides of the same coin. Think long and hard about that. One kills babies. One kills everyone else. How can we as Christians stand up against abortion and not against war? Stepping on toes, I know. My dad was in the military. This is heady stuff but it needs to be said. Jesus was all about peace. There is a time for war-but only God's war-only on His terms and led by His army. He has only called us, His believers, to love, peace and the laying down of our lives for others. My oldest daughter went so far as to say if someone broke in and attacked her, she would not kill them if she could-they may not know Christ-she would not want them to die and go to hell-she would rather die, knowing full well where she is headed. Now, that is Jesus' love-right there.

I wrote in a facebook note about the beautiful Dominique Voillaume. I will not relate his story here but it had me weeping. This man knew how to love like Jesus. "His simple witness lay in accepting others as they were without questions and allowing them to make themselves at home in his heart." (Brennan) Oh my goodness. Lovely. Make themselves at home in his heart? I could chew on those words for a long time. What, exactly does that look like? The woman at the well? The leper Jesus touched? The woman with 12 years of bleeding (read the Jewish laws on uncleanness)? The woman caught in adultery? The disciples, even Judas the betrayer? All made themselves at home in Jesus' heart-His HEART-the seat of all love! Such a beautiful concept. I want that so much. To have people feel that they have a home in my heart-no matter what baggage they bring along. Oh my.

Dominique never tried to impress anybody' never wondered if his life was useful or his witness meaningful. He never felt he had to do something great for God. (Brennan) "If God wants it to, my life will be useful through my word and witness. If he wants it to, my life will bear fruit through my prayers and sacrifices. But the usefulness of my life is his concern, not mine. It would be indecent of me to worry about that." (Dominique). Indecent. When I concern myself with the usefulness of my life-it is indecent. To even consider it is self-focused. This man had seven thousand people attend his funeral. His life was indeed useful and he was not even aware.

Lastly, "There are certain questions every Christian must answer in utter candor. Do you hunger for Jesus Christ? Do you yearn to spend time alone with him in prayer? Is he the most important person in your life? Does he fill your sould like a song of joy? Is he on your lips as a shout of praise? Do you eagerly turn to his memoirs, his Testament, to learn more of him? Are you making the effort to die daily to antying and everything that inhibits, threatens, or diminishes your friendship? The call of Jesus,is not 'Come to a prayer meeting', but 'come to ME.'

Jesus all by Himself-part one

God, why do we always try to add to you? Why is the Great I AM not enough for us? What do we possibly think we can bring to the holy table of your amazing grace and sacrifice? "In my hands no prize I bring, simply to Thy cross I cling." What more could we ever do than has been done on the cross? "It is finished". That says it all. Jesus, I want to know YOU-only YOU. Not religion, or good deeds or morality or laws or rules or even other people or ideas about You, just You-in your lovliness and glory and completeness. Can I have that? Can I just have YOU? All else is emptiness-utter worthlessness, even my own life-especially my own life.


The Signature of Jesus, by Brennan Manning

"To follow Jesus is to take the high road to Calvary. Littered along the Calvary road will lie the skeletons of our egos, the corpses of our fantasies of control and the shards of self-righteousness, self-indulgent spirituality and unfreedom."

Let's unpack that for just a minute. The road to Calvary is the road to death. Jesus bids us come and die-follow Him to death. That is not a comfortable, easy existance, but it is glorious. Every word in the above statement has to do with trash and death: littered, skeletons, corpses, shards. What we think is our commitment to Christ and the Christian life is trash. It is self and self is what we must die to. Reminds me of Paul:

"But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss of the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish in order that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowhip of His sufferings, being conformed to His death in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead."

That sounds a lot like death-loss, rubbish, suffered, sufferings. Paul says whatever things were gain to Him. What things are gain to me that God is calling me to die to? My own righteousness (derived from keeping the law), my reputation (Paul was a zealot among Pharisees), my physical well-being (Paul suffered stonings, beatings, hunger), my freedom (Paul was imprisoned multiple times), my own agenda (Paul was relentless with preaching the gospel-he did little else). For me lately, God has called me to give up money, time, sleep, my rights to let others know how they have hurt me-nothing like Paul, but hard nonetheless. And I am sensing Him leading me to even greater sacrifices-things I have held dear for a long time. Am I willing? My prayer right now is "Lord, make me willing." For I know that even the willingness to be willing is from Him-His work of faith. Even that small thing, I cannot bring-I do not have. I have nothing.

"We have to abandon the cankerous, worm-eaten structure of legalism, moralism, and perfectionism, that corrupts the Good News into an ethical code rather than a love affair."

Who, if given the choice, would choose to keep a check-list of do's and don'ts when you could enter into the most amazing love affair of your life? Who would do that? Yet, that is exactly what we do when we make it about keeping rules instead of loving our Law Giver. When you love someone, and love them madly, it is so much easier to want to please them and do what makes them glad. Our main problem is not with our sin so much as not loving our Savior.

Prayer from a Pastor in Zimbabwe-he clearly loved his Savior with a passion I only hope to have someday:

"I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still. I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean in his presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer and I labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way rough, my companions are few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed. I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till he comes, give till I drop, preach till all know and work till he stops me."

Can I get an AMEN???????.....to be continuted

Cabin Fever

Hi Mom- It is hitting me so hard today-all the facets of loss. I am thinking about the cabin and realizing that you will never, ever be able to go there with us again. I have known that for a while but it just settled on my heart today. It makes me so sad. We have had such good times there and made so many memories and it will never be the same without you. Another facet: not only will we not be able to enjoy it with you, but maybe not dad again, either. He does not want to leave you right now even though you have good care. I understand and I appreciate his loyalty to you but it breaks my heart for him, and us. You both loved that place so much and even last year, we could still get you there in your wheelchair. That has all changed now. So....here goes.....remember?

Waking up and having our early morning coffee on the deck-47 degrees. You wrapped in a robe with 2 sweaters over you and a blanket-me in my T-shirt. "Aren't you cold, Cindy K."? "No, mom, it feels so good to me, I have to soak it up to take back to Texas with me." You chuckling at me like I am crazy. Listening to the jays, nuthatches, grossbeaks. Watching the squirrels coming for their morning feed. Sky so blue, air so clean, such a scent of pine-so peaceful. Dad inspecting the bear damage, seeding the birds and filling the hummer feeders.

Going to the stream with the girls-sitting by it in our fold out camp chairs while they play-damming up the stream with rocks, screaming at the cold water and getting splashed-getting each other wet. You and I, talking, about everything, sometimes doing an acrostic, sometimes crosstitching, always talking. I miss that so much.

Lazy afternoons on the deck-watching the girls swing in the swing dad and Jeff built for them. Doing a puzzle, being ever so careful not to drop the pieces through the slats, Iced tea and lunch-dad napping in his chair-us once again talking, always talking. Can it get any better than this?

Taking hikes in the evening-you and dad telling me everything about everyone that lives in Rye-family history-gramps' stories-looking for deer, bears, foxes, skunks. Watching the dusk-the alpin glow-feeling the cool come on and the darkness.

Coffee again or tea, on the deck, the stars peeping out one by one-making their glittery appearance. I swear the sky is simply blanketed with them up there. Thinking we hear animals and flashing the flashlight to make sure. Looking all around for bears and getting creeped out.

Inside-playing games for hours-Phase 10 or Hearts or Sorry or Catch Phrase or whatever else we had up there. Watching all of Anne of Green Gables, or Winds or War or some other amazing Hallmark movie. Popping popcorn and having Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.

Praying with the girls before bed, telling them Sammy Squirrel, listening to them giggle in their room.

The night we sat out back with Jeff (you were not here for this) and rubbed our arms across the table, watching with admiration the static electricity light show that danced before our eyes. We were so enthralled-a 19 year old, 15 year old, 47 year old and 52 year old alike. I will never forget that night.

Listening to Christmas music as we watched it snow outside, eating icicles, sledding, hot chocolate with marshmallows, more games, movies-Red Boots and Wallace and Grommit. The girls being buried in the snow and in their winterwear.

Cooking dinner in the kitchen-always a team effort-bringing it all out on the deck cuz who wants to be inside when you have such an outside?

Mom-I will carry all this and so much more in my heart the rest of my days. You made it so special and when I am up there now with my family, I will try to do the same. I love you and miss you so much.