Cabin Fever

Hi Mom- It is hitting me so hard today-all the facets of loss. I am thinking about the cabin and realizing that you will never, ever be able to go there with us again. I have known that for a while but it just settled on my heart today. It makes me so sad. We have had such good times there and made so many memories and it will never be the same without you. Another facet: not only will we not be able to enjoy it with you, but maybe not dad again, either. He does not want to leave you right now even though you have good care. I understand and I appreciate his loyalty to you but it breaks my heart for him, and us. You both loved that place so much and even last year, we could still get you there in your wheelchair. That has all changed now. So....here goes.....remember?

Waking up and having our early morning coffee on the deck-47 degrees. You wrapped in a robe with 2 sweaters over you and a blanket-me in my T-shirt. "Aren't you cold, Cindy K."? "No, mom, it feels so good to me, I have to soak it up to take back to Texas with me." You chuckling at me like I am crazy. Listening to the jays, nuthatches, grossbeaks. Watching the squirrels coming for their morning feed. Sky so blue, air so clean, such a scent of pine-so peaceful. Dad inspecting the bear damage, seeding the birds and filling the hummer feeders.

Going to the stream with the girls-sitting by it in our fold out camp chairs while they play-damming up the stream with rocks, screaming at the cold water and getting splashed-getting each other wet. You and I, talking, about everything, sometimes doing an acrostic, sometimes crosstitching, always talking. I miss that so much.

Lazy afternoons on the deck-watching the girls swing in the swing dad and Jeff built for them. Doing a puzzle, being ever so careful not to drop the pieces through the slats, Iced tea and lunch-dad napping in his chair-us once again talking, always talking. Can it get any better than this?

Taking hikes in the evening-you and dad telling me everything about everyone that lives in Rye-family history-gramps' stories-looking for deer, bears, foxes, skunks. Watching the dusk-the alpin glow-feeling the cool come on and the darkness.

Coffee again or tea, on the deck, the stars peeping out one by one-making their glittery appearance. I swear the sky is simply blanketed with them up there. Thinking we hear animals and flashing the flashlight to make sure. Looking all around for bears and getting creeped out.

Inside-playing games for hours-Phase 10 or Hearts or Sorry or Catch Phrase or whatever else we had up there. Watching all of Anne of Green Gables, or Winds or War or some other amazing Hallmark movie. Popping popcorn and having Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.

Praying with the girls before bed, telling them Sammy Squirrel, listening to them giggle in their room.

The night we sat out back with Jeff (you were not here for this) and rubbed our arms across the table, watching with admiration the static electricity light show that danced before our eyes. We were so enthralled-a 19 year old, 15 year old, 47 year old and 52 year old alike. I will never forget that night.

Listening to Christmas music as we watched it snow outside, eating icicles, sledding, hot chocolate with marshmallows, more games, movies-Red Boots and Wallace and Grommit. The girls being buried in the snow and in their winterwear.

Cooking dinner in the kitchen-always a team effort-bringing it all out on the deck cuz who wants to be inside when you have such an outside?

Mom-I will carry all this and so much more in my heart the rest of my days. You made it so special and when I am up there now with my family, I will try to do the same. I love you and miss you so much.