Void

I dreamed about you again last night, mom. This time it was not good. This time I am hoping God is not speaking to me in my dreams, for you were gone. We were all at the table for some holiday-all the family together-and everyone knew, except me. Dad told me and I burst into tears. I could not control my crying. I was gasping for air. It was so real. Then I had to tell the girls. I saw the look of sadness on Jeff's face and I kept wondering what was going to happen now. Then suddenly you were at the table, in your purple sweatsuit and you were reclining on me and you told me you loved me. It was amazing. Maybe it was our table in heaven. I know this is coming, and sooner than later. I want you to go, mom, go be with Jesus, be free of this nasty disease and all its constraints. But I don't want to lose you-at all. It is a conundrum. I want you to go for your sake, I want you to stay for mine. I know when you go, there will be a void here on this earth. Not only an entire history will be wiped out, but my lovely mom will be gone. You are already gone in so many ways-the grieving has been gradual-but I can still hear your voice. I am not ready for you to miss Rachel's wedding, Christina's graduation, your great-grandbabies. Not ready at all for you to not be here anymore-even in your confined state. I still want to tell you my stories, even if you do not respond. I still want to hear you say "I love you." Maybe that was why it was in my dream. I still need that from you. God knows. And I trust Him. His timing is always perfect and His ways are good. I think about you so much. I made banana sticky buns this week-one of your favorites that you passed on to me. I had wished you were here to devour them with me. The girls used your paints and brushes last night to decorate their dressers. You would be so proud that they are getting good use. You were such a terrific artist. I thought about you when I had our Korean students over. How you and dad used to host so many students-all the parties we had and how they all loved you. It must have been so fun and brought you so much joy. I get it, now. You have influenced me so much more than I ever thought. I love you much mom.