Final Moments

Hi Mom- there are so many memories of you scattered about in my head.  They all got the memo that you are no more on this earth and decided to visit me.  It is a gift.  I think that while a person is alive, we do not need their memories, because we have them.  When they go, the memories flood in to take their place.  At least that is what is happening to me.  I want to relate some of the sweet moments of your passing and then memories that have come my way in the past week since you have been gone.

You telling us "I love you all so much" while crying-one week before you went.  Those were the last words I heard you speak and I will treasure them always.

You lying in bed, gasping for air, parched for water, while we sponged you, sang to you, prayed with you, massaged you, turned you, wetted your lips, put vaseline and lotion on you and tried every other possible thing to keep you comfortable in a desperate situation.

Dad kissing you and calling you "mama" and his tender grief-Jeff says he has been cut in two.  That describes it so well.

The grandgirls coming in at various intervals to sing to you and pray with you.

Elise and I singing you to heaven-that last day-together and seperatly-did you sing with us in your spirit?

Jeff and I setting our alarms to get up in the middle of the night to turn you-you had NO wounds on your body-we took good care of you, mom.  We love you that much.

Your almost-shut eyes, milky, roaming and then at the end-opening up big as day, dark, aware-searching for dad's face, then Jesus'.  You trying to talk.  What would you have said?  It must be glorious.

All 10 of us on your bed and around, saying our final good-byes, urging you on to go be with Jesus and free of pain, telling you we would be ok, that we  were all there with you to the very end.  Your last breath.

Elise and I curling your hair-for the very last time-so you would look good-it was important to you.

Me asking "what do we do without her?"  and Annett answering "you love each other."  Yep, we will.

Dad telling you that you would always be in his heart and relating all your memories together.  He loved you well-until the bitter end.  He loves you still.

There are so many other memories and thoughts I have that are not for publication.  Even these seem to much.  If I ever thought anyone read my blog, I would not post them.  Some things are for family only.

Your beautiful celebration ceremony:  Cindy surprising me by showing up, picking out your "Trenton" casket (you would LOVE this), burritos with dad, Jeff, Elise-all of us feeling a little lost-singing "Soon and Very Soon"-we kept our composure, seeing the limos pull up and not wanting to have them there-seeing the hearse and not wanting it to take you away-seeing your sweet face for the last time and not wanting to not ever see it again-seeing your casket with the beautiful pink and purple flowers that all of the girls picked out for you and not wanting them to put my mommy in the ground-realizing that you are gone, dancing with Jesus and around the throne, that we don't have to worry about you any longer-you are safe, free, at peace.  But I still want to see you, and don't really want to live the rest of this life without you in the world. 

Jeff, Elise and I playing Songburst and chasing everyone else out of the room with our obnoxious singing.

Oh mom, what a family you have raised-you were the family flagship, as Jeff said.  We are all a little lost without you.