Inheritance

Christina was talking about her last memory of you as you today. She said it was when we were watching Madagascar and the song "move it" was on and you got up and started dancing. I am so glad my girls have those memories of you-the "improper" ones of you displaying your inner goofball for all to see. I know she is there because I know you well but you so often hid her for fear of not being proprietous(how I despise that word and even more what it stands for). Rachel said she remembered you and Gramps playing Wii golf. That was only 2 Christmases ago. I can't believe it, mom. Like Christina so aptly and sadly put it: "It is strange how quickly people can go away." You have gone away mom. You go a little further each day. One more way we can't reach you and you can't reach us. We are both trying: to reach each other. It is a frustrating game we play. But I am so thankful my girls have these memories and so many others of you. You were always so particular about saving things for your grandkids, making sure they got things that belonged to you and to your parents-you did not want to be forgotten by them. I don't think you ever realized that what they would remember about you would never be your things but so many moments like the ones mentioned above. They will never forget you-not Sammy Squirrel or silly songs, dances and sewing, painting and piano, jokes and your fake anger at dad's irreverent jokes when secretly you were laughing inside-your cooking and goodies and the way you made everything magical and every booboo better. Your songs about Jesus, favorite verses, passion for the Jews, stories about your family and our ancestors. So many things-none tangible, but all unforgettable-like you will be, soon, mom. You are part of us and always will be. Christina is just now playing the piano like a wild woman-just like you used to. She loves Chopin just like you. Rachel is painting her dresser right this moment with your old paints-she is an artist just like you. They both have you in them-the best part-your heart for Jesus. Now THAT is an inheritance. I love you, mom.

Fly Away

Hi Mommy- I don't think I have you for long. I think you are going away very soon. You are having a hard time swallowing-one of the last things to go. My heart is oh so sad and heavy for you. I just want you to be free-to fly away home to Jesus where you can rest and be at peace. I don't want this for you but God has seen fit to keep you here for His purposes and I know they are always good and right. I am not ready to lose you. I do not want you to stay like this so fly, mom, but not until the girls and I come in a few weeks. Can we see you once more, please? Can we talk with you and pray with you and make you laugh and hear your voice? I am selfish. I just want one more time. Then you can fly away home, mommmy.

Void

I dreamed about you again last night, mom. This time it was not good. This time I am hoping God is not speaking to me in my dreams, for you were gone. We were all at the table for some holiday-all the family together-and everyone knew, except me. Dad told me and I burst into tears. I could not control my crying. I was gasping for air. It was so real. Then I had to tell the girls. I saw the look of sadness on Jeff's face and I kept wondering what was going to happen now. Then suddenly you were at the table, in your purple sweatsuit and you were reclining on me and you told me you loved me. It was amazing. Maybe it was our table in heaven. I know this is coming, and sooner than later. I want you to go, mom, go be with Jesus, be free of this nasty disease and all its constraints. But I don't want to lose you-at all. It is a conundrum. I want you to go for your sake, I want you to stay for mine. I know when you go, there will be a void here on this earth. Not only an entire history will be wiped out, but my lovely mom will be gone. You are already gone in so many ways-the grieving has been gradual-but I can still hear your voice. I am not ready for you to miss Rachel's wedding, Christina's graduation, your great-grandbabies. Not ready at all for you to not be here anymore-even in your confined state. I still want to tell you my stories, even if you do not respond. I still want to hear you say "I love you." Maybe that was why it was in my dream. I still need that from you. God knows. And I trust Him. His timing is always perfect and His ways are good. I think about you so much. I made banana sticky buns this week-one of your favorites that you passed on to me. I had wished you were here to devour them with me. The girls used your paints and brushes last night to decorate their dressers. You would be so proud that they are getting good use. You were such a terrific artist. I thought about you when I had our Korean students over. How you and dad used to host so many students-all the parties we had and how they all loved you. It must have been so fun and brought you so much joy. I get it, now. You have influenced me so much more than I ever thought. I love you much mom.