Gifts

I was focusing on moving once again this morning-mourning it in my heart-this giving up of living in Austin-death of a vision. I decided I needed to focus on God's attributes and the next one was "good". Talking about God's good gifts got me thinking of all the good ones He provided here in Austin. I realized I have been thinking that by moving, I am having to give up those gifts when in reality-they are mine to keep forever. God does not retract His gifts. For example: one gift was the provision for my girls-ballet, piano, choir, etc...the "gift" was not the class or teachers or lessons but what it accomplished in my girls' lives-and they will have that forever-it is part of who they are. Another gift would be our church/ministries-Awana, Mission Possible, etc...I look at all that has done for my girls' walks with God and my own walk and I see that is something that is eternal-the investment of people into our lives and our investment into theirs is something that will last for eternity. I do not have to give that up. The gift of living in this neighborhood where I have so many sweet memories of spending family time, time with the girls, homeschooling them, swimming, hiking the trails, swim team, etc....it is what has made us who we are as a family and who they are as people-that will not end. They will not stop being those people when we move. We will not lose our memories-we will just not be able to make any new ones here. This is profound. I have been thinking of leaving in terms of loss instead of in terms of what we are taking with us from this place and this time in our lives: a boatload of memories, character, experiences that have made us who we are and will continue to have effect long into the future. Wow. What a shift. If God did that here-He can do it anywhere. It isn't about your surroundings but rather what you choose to make out of them. A city does not make a person-a person lets God shape them, using the tools at hand-God can use anyone, anything, any place to shape and to mold. Please use San Angelo to do just this, God.

Passing

I have entered a new phase in life: the phase of adult children (at least one adult child). It is the passing of a torch, complete with celebrations and mournings-a new era complete with new rules. Rachel has graduated from high school, has been 18 for 6 months and is in the midst of her first full-time job. However much I want to hold her down and hold her to me, I must release her to fly out into this big world and make mistakes all her own and experience successes all her own (of course God is always in all things). It is an exhilirating and exhausting time, this letting go. Memories float through my mind at the most random times, reminding me of this precious little girl I had for 18 years. Then new hopes surge past at what an incredible woman she is becoming and how exciting it is going to be to walk with her through the rest of her life-albeit from more of a distance. There really are no words to express all the feelings-you just have to be a parent and have your child graduate or leave for college or join the army or some other rite of passage. It both stinks and smells so sweet.

Precious Things

Oftentimes as a homeschooler I think of all the things I could have done differently or maybe just all the things I could have done and didn't. Then God reminds me that the value does not lie in quantity but in quality and He reminds me of the precious things: baking bread for the firemen in our neighborhood, the girls pictures to children in Afghanistan, our Gospel of John party, reaching out to the homeless around town and Church Under the Bridge, ministering at Mission Possible on Fridays and all the precious children we are now friends with, reaching out to hurting friends and brainstorming ways to love them, all our time spent at Awana, playing the piano at Cedar Ridge Alzheimer's center and our precious friends there, Urban Submersion and the way it changed our lives-these are not big things in most people's eyes but they are the precious things in God's eyes because they are about needy people and His love for them. Help me remember God to always give my life for the things that are on Your heart.

Grateful

I have finally come to the realization that there are people out there who can keep up their house, yard, what have you-make it look not only immaculate but decorative and modern. Some of them do it on a budget, with hardly any money at all. I have also come to the realization that I am not one of those people. My backyard looks like a mini dump and no matter how hard I try to fix up my house, I just don't have "the touch". I go into other people's houses and envy their ability to keep it together so nicely. Now, mind you, my house is lovely and I love everything in it and even the way it is put together-but it does not have that polished look. It has fraying around the edges, junk in the closets that sometimes spills out into rooms, books and papers lying around at any given time and usually, unless my husband has gotten to it, dishes in the sink. God is showing me lately that I am on a quest for a perfect house-perfectly clean, perfectly decorated, perfectly organized-no mildew in my grout! But alas, this is the WRONG quest. My quest needs to be for Him, for righteousness, for my family and investing in them. Part of that brings messyness. People are messy and investing in them heavily is even more messy. I look around my house and am so grateful for the time God has given me and the opportunity to invest in my kids-their education, their spiritual growth, their lives. I can clean and organize the house when they are gone and it is coming all too soon. For now, I just want to hang out with them, with Eric, and ignore the dust in the corners.

Chell

I walked into your room last night and could barely contain myself. I looked at the collage of you and Clover and burst into tears in my heart. They had to wait until we were finished praying to stream from my eyes. I can't believe you are leaving us at the end of this year. I ask myself every day where 18 years has gone and then I remember: toting you around as a baby with me everywhere, your incessant questions ever in my ears. Filming you playing dress up and dancing ("I dancin'")-watching you for hours as you entertained your baby sister, pouring the foundation that has cemented your relationship over the years-teaching you everything, from reading to history to math to cooking to sewing to making your bed and what spices to use in what dishes ("Rachel, this is your tip for the day.....")-the spices were very important! Watching you with your first real pet-Clover-seeing you take such good care of her over the years and seeing your heart of love for her-you on the court playing Upward Basketball-dancing ballet and me taking you every week and then you driving yourself-getting to know Burnet road like the back of my hand. Watching your grace coupled with discipline and your passion for the art of ballet. Reading your newspapers that you wrote to me on a regular basis for a while, hearing your heart and having the honor of you asking me the tough questions-ones which I often did not have answers to. You making me spa baths, cleaning up the house and decorating your room with style. Getting to go with you and the team to Summit and all our crazy memories of that trip that I will never forget-hiking with you in the mountains of Colorado, hanging at the cabin-you on the swing, carefree and full of life. Our talks in the car together over the thousands of miles we logged over the years-reading aloud together and crying and dissecting books and analyzing. Praying every night in your room and late night talks. Saturday morning pancakes, going to the hill with Clover, to the pool on Wednesdays, to Mission Possible on Fridays-all our field trips, family vacations, Colorado treks. All the years we spent in Awana together and all the verses that are in your heart. Trying to find shoes at the mall, or a dress for prom, or whatever it was we were looking for on any given day. How can I possibly post 18 years worth of memories that burst into my mind at random moments and painfully remind me that I am losing you this year? Not exactly losing you-just shifting what has been our family into a new shape. I am so grateful to God for the gift that you are in my life, for the times we have shared, for homeschooling that has bought me so much more time with you, for the relationship we have and for the future which I know if going to be so sweet because of Him. Thank you for making my life richer by being in it-thank you for all the times you were honest with me, rebuking me, encouraging me to do what is right, listening to me rant and rave and accepting me-always seeing the best. I will miss your dailyness in my life, Chell.