Christmas

Dear Mom: I am listening to Christmas music-your favorite. You would love this new artist I found: Michele McLaughlin. She plays simple piano, like Lori Line, only better. Listening to it reminds me of all the Christmas memories I have with you: coming home every year to a lovely decorated house with 2 trees-fake upstairs, real downstairs; homemade Christmas morning cinnamon rolls; Christmas Eve minestrone; playing our O Holy Night duet and laughing so hard because we would mess up so badly; the kids always putting on some kind of Christmas Eve program-and the pride in your eyes at your grandkids, whom you loved so much; hot spiced fruit on Christmas morning; billions of candles lit in your bookcase on Christmas Eve while we listened to Christmas radio or Spike Jones when you would allow it; wrapping presents late at night and stuffing the stockings; reading the Christmas story in Luke and playing mad-libs; so many other memories-can't recall them all but thanks, mom, so much, for lovely, lasting traditions that we all cherish and will for a long time. Here's hoping that this Christmas you can enjoy at least some of them-here's hoping that you will at least feel the love that is behind them all. I love you, mom.

Stuck

Dear Mom: You have seemed to even out a little and I find myself not grieving as much. Don't know if that is good or bad-just necessary. I talk to you every day-some are better than others. Sometimes you jabber and I just sit and listen and try to affirm what to me is nonsense, but to you might not be. Whatever is left inside, I want to encourage that. Sometimes a familiar phrase or two will leak out "love you, honey." Or "I don't believe I will", or another phrase you have used your whole life. It helps me know "you" are still there and brings comfort. It is the Christmas season and the strangest one of my life. First year for us to not put up a tree. First year I have not "freaked out" about getting everything ready and organized. I am learning. Christmas is about Jesus-Him alone-minus all the trimmings. He is enough. I am realizing that our family does not need all the trappings. We surely have enjoyed them over the years but for this year, let's just be together and laugh and not worry about all the extraneous stuff-shall we, mom? Let's just enjoy these days, for they go by so quickly and I want to milk each one for all it's worth.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Dear Mom:
Listening to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and thinking about you. One of these days, you will be there, over the rainbow-safe in the care of God's eternal and unchanging promises to never leave you or forsake you. You will be free at last. Wishing this for you today and grieving over it, too. You being there will be you not being here which will leave a hole in my heart. Another one for Jesus to fill. I love you, mom, and want so much for things to be as they used to. Yet I know God has not ordained that and that His will is good, acceptable and perfect. In that I rest. I miss being able to share my life with you. Love, Cindy

home

We bought a house today, mom. I should be happy but all I feel is sad-realizing that you will never see it, never come to stay in it, never come to help me fix it up like you have done with all my other houses. To me, it is just one more thing that reminds me of the loss-of what will never be again. I miss you more than I can say. I miss your input into my life. I miss you being excited with me over things-like a house. I miss your voice and you are not even gone yet.

Dreams

Dear Mom:

I dreamed of you last night-again. In my dreams you are always still sick, but still able to interract with us all. We were all together as a family, in the basement and it was Christmas. I think that time frame and room captures so many beautiful memories of which I never want to let go. In my dream, we were all writing down our Christmas memories on paper snowflakes. The kids were little again-Jeff was there-we were all happy and laughing. You worked so hard to bring about those memories and cement them in place-the cement that keeps our family strong, even though you are not any longer. Thank you for all the years you invested in us-for the beautiful tapestry you helped create that is now our family. Kind of wish I did not have to wake up.

Dear Mom 1

Dear Mom- Prayed for you and cried for you as I walked this morning. Tears of sorrow over missing you and tears of joy and hope that someday you are going to be whole again-free of this nasty disease, and safe in Jesus' arms-dancing, talking, playing Chopin (as if you'll care) or whatever we will be doing in heaven-but you will be doing it with all your might. Jesus ministered to me this morning so much through Switchfoot-a band you would not like-too raucus. However, their lyrics touch my soul. Here are just a few of them that broke me down: " I am the raindrop falling down, always looking for deeper ground. " So good. Reminded me of my thirst for God this morning and how it is unquenchable. Here is another one: "Feels like I travel but I never arrive, I want to thrive, not just survive." Expresses so deeply what I am feeling at this stage in my life. "So I close my eyes and go back in time, I can see you smiling-you're so alive." This one makes me just long for the days when you would even smile-or laugh-or say "Cindy Kay" or anything at all. I miss interracting with you. Just wanted you to know that today. Love you!