Losses

I am mourning all the losses that accompany this disease called Alzheimers. It is a slow and gradual and unpredictable death and instead of mourning it after the fact, I have to mourn it now-little by little. Today I have been thinking about all the things my mom will no longer be able to do with my girls, especially. They are the extension of me now and I had so many hopes for times with their Grandparents that probably will not be realized now. This also encompasses my dad, as we cannot leave mom and go galavanting around. No more Greenhorn walks, no more hiking adventures. No more telling of Sammy Squirrel (my girls were getting too old for that anyway). Probably no more painting lessons, reading aloud or dancing while mom plays her beautiful Chopin pieces. No more seeing Gram cook in the kitchen-I even have to mourn the loss of conversations and the transfer of her memories and values. I hate this disease. It is a thief. I have to force myself to move on from the mourning place and do this quickly as it is dangerous to spend too much time here. My family has already told me that. I have to remember that maybe the Greenhorn is out, but quiet walks are not. We can still play games and read to Gram and the girls can play the piano for HER-she would like that. She can hear Christina sing and watch Rachel dance and that will bring HER joy. Now it is about her, not us. It has always been about us and now we are passing the baton. We can tell her stories, and ask her questions and listen when she wants to talk and try to get her to be able to open as many memory doors as she can and pull out whatever is left behind each one. That we can do and we must. This gives me hope and a purpose and ultimately, that is what the other side of grief is all about.